FINAL - Ep 19: How A Spoon Became a Portal to Reclaiming My Power
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Cynthia: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Spiritually Embodied Leader podcast this is a very unique episode, especially if you're watching [00:01:00] this on the YouTube channel, because I am in my car. And I am out of state, actually. This weekend, I am attending BBD Live for a second time. And this business conference is provided to the BBD members of James Wedmore's Business by Design program and I joined BBD in 2019 and I, for all kinds of reasons, didn't attend until last year in 2023 and it's been interesting to watch and witness all kinds of various breakthroughs, big and small, ever since I joined BBD and in 2019, when I joined, I was maybe about a couple, maybe a few months into [00:02:00] BBD and going through it, it was really inspiring.
So exciting, right? Especially that momentum when it first hits, like I'm like, yeah, let's go and then as I start getting into action, I start noticing how uncomfortable I've been getting and facing insecurities and then I started to realize, you know what, maybe I'm just not ready for this yet and at that time, James Wedmore started to promote one of his other friends program called the Transformational Coaching Program, I think?
TCP by Jim Fortin and there was this affiliate thing going on, right? If I buy from James referral link to get into TCP, I would get various bonuses and one of those bonuses I had gotten a free ticket to a two day workshop [00:03:00] called the Influencers Framework Workshop. And when I got there, you know, it was this very small group of like 200 people and soon I would find out there was a lot of very successful entrepreneurs and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here? Like, I just started. Like, I don't really feel like I'm supposed to be in this room. But of course, there are no accidents. So people are like going through exercises, this and that.
And there comes a point where I'm like, Oh, cool. I want to say something and share something and get on the mic in front of 200 people. And of course, like I was nervous, but I was so excited. Like I finally got some of the concepts that he was talking about and I wanted to share. And I was like, kind of forceful with it.
Like me, me, me. Anyway, a mic got past my way and by the time I grabbed the mic, and looked at [00:04:00] James, I froze, deer in headlights. I started panicking. I was like, and I couldn't breathe. And I, well, I started kind of hyperventilating into the mic a little bit. And I was like, and James was like, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey.
And I could see, he was like, okay, breathe. Like it's so, and he started kind of guiding my attention to the question that he was asking, right. Or like the share that I was ready to talk about. But. I just couldn't really focus on anything else but the uncomfortable, like, just Crawling under my skin kind of feeling and the insecurities and everybody's eyes on me and my like freak out moment.
And I honestly don't even remember what I shared, but I just so vividly remember the anxiety and worry and fear and oh my God, what are they fucking thinking of me? Right? And then [00:05:00] the time went on, and eventually, like, after the two day workshop at the very end, I want to say something to James Wedmore.
Just to say hi to him. Of course, I like, had this desire, and I'm going for it, but it's like, I'm watching myself take off bites that are way bigger than I can chew. At least from my capacity and my nervous system. And so I'm finding myself like reacting to the like unbearable stress responses and embarrassing myself.
Yet, I'm so inspired and I know like, I'm like, okay, like I'm here for a reason, even though it's hard to believe and life goes on, right? And eventually I go down the path of nervous system [00:06:00] regulation and initially it was to support me in my motherhood because I was riddled with panic attacks and it was really hard.
I had postpartum depression and it was really fucking rough. So I started learning about nervous system and trauma. Going through trauma awareness education and learning how to regulate my nervous system. And that started not only helping me as a mom, but helping me as an entrepreneur. And I'm like, wow, this is so cool.
But eventually, you know, bringing in my embodiment education and then new found learnings of nervous system regulation, and also the path of leading a spirit led life I just start growing and evolving and feeling more like myself, right? Having all of these various breakthroughs. And eventually I go to BBD live in 2023.
[00:07:00] And we are guided into this Spoon Bending 101 workshop. Shout out to Jenny Finley, I believe, which is James Wedmore's girlfriend. And she is this, like, amazing, mystical, magical sorcerer in my eyes. Ha ha ha! And she shows us this video clip of Neo in the Matrix, where he's sat down with this boy, a young child, and he's giving them this spoon, and he says something along the lines of Well he's, the boy is bending the spoon, right?
manipulating it with his mind and Neo sits down and he's just like, what? And he, the boy says something about like, you'll soon realize that there is no spoon. It is not the spoon that [00:08:00] bends. It is yourself that bends. And as Jenny is explaining the way in which we're going to be also bending spoons with our minds for me, it clicked that I am bending myself.
And keep in mind, I have a long history of embodied study. I was a trained dancer for 20 years all through elementary school, middle school, high school. I declared it as my major. And once I got into university from transferring from a community college. That's when I dove into five years of somatic education.
And after graduating with the BFA in dance, I then was, you know, going deep into my spiritual awakening and learning about energy healing this and that. And so I am well aware of the power of healing movement. So for me, It made so much sense that, Oh, [00:09:00] it's not the spoon I'm bending. It's myself and so I'm like, Oh, I've bent myself for so long. Right? Like I get that. It makes sense to me and in my embodied intelligence. Yet, when we started in 2023, the spoon bending practice, I was just so focused on this spoon and I'm like, but like, it's not about the spoon. It's about me. And so I tossed the spoon and I was like, I am the spoon and I start moving and dancing essentially and healing my body. I start healing my upper back and like later on in that particular BBD Live, by the end of the weekend, I healed my entire spine from all of these various energetic, transformational activations and healings that Jenny facilitated but the thing is, for me, it's like I had already [00:10:00] mastered that for myself in my body I got that. Yet when it came to the spoon, I was just like, The fuck? Because there's also this phrase of like I'm sure you've heard this that the only thing you can control in life is yourself, right? And I'm like, yeah, okay, and so as I've been going down this path of mastering my own emotions, mastering my own mind, mastering my body, and whether it's artistic or fitness or creative, right?
Or all these different modalities on how to master my body, mind, and spirit when it came to things outside of me, whether it's the spoon, whether it's a launch, whether it's me trying to manifest getting into something, gosh, it took me about three months just to find a particular rental.
And that part was just like, Oh, like, but like, it, it was just a [00:11:00] mind fuck for me. Right. But being able to heal my spine at that BBD live, like that was a massive breakthrough. Of course. Hell yeah. And then the year goes on. And walking into BBD Live now in 2024, as I walked in, even on the pre registration day before day one, I was like, you know, so much has changed internally, right?
I've been on this warrior path and it's so interesting because James Wedmore also Jim Fortin and now I'm finding out Jenny as well, along with other members of their close friends, they have been working with this shaman called Don Javier goes by DX for short.
And eventually I get on Don Javier's wait list, which took about three years. And it wasn't until after I had decided I'm becoming a single mother. [00:12:00] And I move out. I end up staying at my mom's house while I wait for a particular studio to open up. And just as I am moving in, settling into my new home as a single mom, I finally start my work with DX, with this shaman.
And from what I have remembered of hearing about DX and his teachings, especially from James Wedmore, is all about stepping into your warrior. path in becoming a warrior. And that's always stood out to me. And so it's no surprise that I was also accepting the initiation of the warrior spirit through KBB, right?
And if you haven't heard about Kambo Body Bliss and that warrior initiation, you can go back to episodes 17 and 18, which may be before this one and hear about that whole experience. [00:13:00] Yet it's like all of these things have been guiding me for the past year and a half to be walking the path of a warrior being initiated as a warrior through this last initiation experience.
And then coming into BBD to really integrate that initiation and embody it and put it to practice with bending a spoon with my mind and my energy and my warrior spirit. And so yesterday we go through the workshop of Spoon Bending 101. And I'm like, oh man, I wonder if I'll bend it this time, who fuckin knows?
I'm like, but, you know, at least I know how to heal myself, right? At least I'll get something out of it. And even if you don't bend the spoon, like, there's always something that comes of it that's miraculous, healing, activating experience. You know, I haven't come across anyone [00:14:00] that, that I've talked about like, Oh, how was your experience?
Like, there was, "eh" you know, like you never, it's, it's like, I haven't yet come across somebody that just was underwhelmed. So we get into the meditation, right? The process of bending the spoon and I get into my area and I'm grabbing the spoon. spoon and I'm feeling the energy and I can feel the channel that I am very familiar with when it comes to dancing and moving and channeling the spirit, right?
The universe, this co creative field of divine intelligence. And I feel it coursing through my body, but there's also this sense of power. And even the day before, Jenny guided us through this power recall workshop. Okay, so I'm starting to reclaim my power more and more. And even before then, Since the past year and a half, I've been reclaiming my power and reclaiming my power yet now that I've [00:15:00] cultivated and called back my power and I'm going to continue to do that, there's this one level of responsibility that I'm like, fuck, like can I handle all this power, right?
Am I able to hold this power in a way that is progressive and innovative and in service to the highest and best good. Versus getting out of control, hurting people, places, or things, causing destruction in some kind of way because I've seen that in my past, right? I've seen people get this power and, ah, right?
It's like this wounded masculine kind of possession of power. And I'm afraid of that, right? And I know I've seen myself go through that as well, which sometimes, you know, contrast is a beautiful teacher. For you to know what it is that you don't want. [00:16:00] Oh, that did not feel good. That is not what I'm going for.
Thank you for teaching me what I actually don't want. And bringing me closer to what it is that I do want. And so I'm holding the spoon in my hand and my hands and my fingertips are getting so charged and I'm like, okay, like I can feel the energy wanting in my hands, like wanting to move the spoon. But the thing is like, I've been hearing all this talk about, Oh, it's this effortlessness when you stop trying to control the situation and like, you know, future pacing of like, Oh, can I fucking do this?
Or getting into your head of the self doubt. Right. And it's just like, ah, like, I don't know if I can or whatever. I am just like, maybe this is too much effort. Maybe I'm kind of overdoing it. And I'm trying to find the sign of like, am I trying too hard? You know, maybe the lesson [00:17:00] is for me to learn how to surrender.
Right. Cause there's a lot of talk of that too. But sometimes right now at this phase of my life, when I, sometimes when I surrender or I'm like, Oh, just let it go. You know, it's like, The energy drops out. I feel like I then become limp energetically or my intention becomes limp. And it's just like maybe complacency comes over me.
And it's like, Oh, okay. I'll just wait, wait, I guess. And so I'm in this weird dichotomy of just like, you know, when is it too much or when is it not enough? And, and do I need a surrender? Right. Or, or am I really just going to push through this? But when is it just too much force where like you end up just fucking breaking or hurting yourself.
Right. Which, cause I've done that before in dance too. So yeah, I'm like, I'm like, fuck, like, I don't, I don't know. I'm like, well, I'll just go to what I know [00:18:00] I'm good at. And I toss the spoon aside again and I start moving my body. And again, I'm healing my body right through movement and through that power.
Cause I'm so familiar with that charge, with that vortex and this force of energy. And that's where I'm like, okay, there's, I'm, I'm, I'm trying to build a new relationship with the word force. Cause sometimes there's this force of like, no, he's gotta be done. Do it, do it. Right. And it's like, Whoa, tone it back a little bit.
Right. Like maybe you just take a step back and breathe and take a wider, more broader look at things. And then there's also this force that's like a vortex, right? That's this force of energy that you can channel through into things for things to happen on your command. That is beyond the confines of [00:19:00] constraints and the past and our um, what is that word?
Conditioning, right? the circumstances of our bank accounts or parenthood or other responsibilities that we've taken on. But like, how do we move past beyond the confinement of those things of what we think is possible or not. And as I've tossed the spoon aside, or actually something I want to mention while I was holding the spoon, something was telling me that this spoon is a channel for me to unlock something within me.
But I felt like I was just like, I didn't know if I was just learning how to pick the lock open or if I'm just trying to fucking bash it into pieces, you know what I mean? I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to bash it out of [00:20:00] control, you know? So it was just really challenging. and confronting for me to, to just try to figure that out.
So I tossed it aside and I started healing myself. But also I will say that compared to last year when I was just like dancing and moving that was more of this, Opening. Yeah. This expansion and releasing of all that tension in my body. But this time I was just like kind of coming in on myself and I was using my body to push into the floor and move into my joints that actually ended up spraining my neck muscles a little bit.
They're not sprained. They're just tired and a bit stressed. Yeah. Like like they're sore. And I remember after when I got done, I was like, damn, this reminds me of the feeling of when I would do strength training with weights.
And that just like, like a good tired, right? [00:21:00] That's how I felt. Like I was just strengthening myself. And moving those points of weakness and releasing the pain that has been getting my attention to say, Hey, this needs help. This needs more energy to move through. Right. But I was like, well, the thing is I'm, I've got that.
What is it with the spoon that I am holding back from? And there was something there for me. I'm like, okay. Usually when I'm like, I don't really know what to think of this. I like to talk with a coach or mentor and so later on in the day, we have this coaching unplugged session. And I find Jenny the facilitator of the spoon bending workshop.
And I finally get to ask her about my experience. Right. I'm just like, I feel like I'm, forcing it. Like, and, and I've been feeling the [00:22:00] call to cultivate this power and strength and courage of the warrior spirit. Yet I'm like, I don't know if I'm like overdoing it or like, what if I hurt something or like, what if I'm doing it wrong?
And she was just like, So just, just do it. Just like give yourself the permission to just bend the spoon with all your might. And I'm like, what? I'm like, well, I've been hearing all of these breakthroughs that people have just like when they let go, right. And they let the love in or whatever. And it just, it happens so effortlessly.
That's how I interpreted it. Right? And I was like, if it's, if, if the major breakthrough of other people is it happening effortlessly, then me putting all of my effort into it is wrong. That's how I understood it. Right? That's what I made it mean. And she just really reassured me that I can give myself permission.
She [00:23:00] encouraged me to give myself permission to just, ah, right? Because ultimately that's what I was afraid of the most. That spoon was showing me where I was afraid of my own power.
And so, today, we went into this different workshop that Jenny facilitated, and it was turning the fear into courage. And I was like, it's time to bring the spoon. We weren't prompted to bring the spoon, but I felt called to bring the spoon. And, I've done this practice with her before. Really powerful. Yet there was something there where I'm like, okay, it's time to just like, let my lioness roar, rattle my reality.
So we get into position and I'm going through the whole activation and I get my [00:24:00] spoon and I'm just like, and I'm starting and, and it's interesting because there was this I can tell where I'm like, God, I just want this so bad. Right. And I'm even okay. So that spoon, it's metal. Okay. It's a, it's a very strong spoon.
And when I was trying to bend it last night in my hotel room, just like, seeing how easy it is. Like it took a lot of strength of just like, God, and this was different when we got into the zone and I tapped into this energetic field and I called upon my warrior self and I was tapping into or allowing fear recalling a memory where I felt the fear, which actually was me in 2019 at the influencer framework workshop where I was hyperventilating into the mic.
Right. And I was just like, it's that fear. That is what I feel like I've been running away from [00:25:00] and holding myself back and keeping myself from just doing the thing that I know I'm meant to do. And so I brought back that memory and I saw the fear and she was just like, let the fear come up and out of you like black smoke.
Yeah, like let it transfer out of you and have that space between me and that fear and realize that actually it's because of that fear that I can call upon my courage, that I can allow my warrior spirit to step up, face the fear and say, you know what, move, get out of the way. And she showed up this, she showed us this clip, man.
I, I, I wish I could just show it to you now, but it's of this movie. I forgot what it was, but they were like, okay, there's three characters in the scene. One is going to represent the fear. The other is representing your mind. And the [00:26:00] third is representing that courage, right? Of just like, no, like this is.
what I want and that was just so inspiring to have that visual and to see that character. And the fear, the character of the fear is like, is he's got like a gun to like this, the mind's head. And it's like, like saying all these things, right. Trying to have the character of courage to, you know, scare him off basically.
But the character of courage does what he needs to do to finally take down the fear and tell him, get off my plane and screaming at him. Right. And so finally, like the guy, he pushes him off the plane. And I just really needed that visual representation of somebody else [00:27:00] taking that courage and letting it be channeled.
And I was like, Oh man, okay, here we go. So we're, I'm starting to bend the spoon. Yeah. And I'm just like, can feel the fear is coming out as smoke. And I'm just like, ah, like, I'm not going to let you hold me back anymore. And I was just like, enough, enough of this. And I'm starting to bend the spoon in this And the thing is, I'm like, Oh my God, I did that.
Like this is like, I went this far, I've come this far, but something's telling me that no, there's something else waiting for you. There is this other brick wall. You've opened the door, but there's this brick wall here that you, that I am meant to move through, break open. Yeah, where I can just bend and break through.
And as time goes on, [00:28:00] I am holding and I'm starting to like move the spoon around in my hand. And I'm like, okay, like there's something else here for me. Like, what is it? What, what is it? I'm like, okay, I bend it this far. Why can't I just continue keep bending it? Right. And it's like, I can see the brick wall and I'm like, God, what?
What is this here? And I'm like, I don't know what it is. I don't know where it came from, but you know what? Get off my plane. Get off of my, get out of my fucking way. Right. And I'm just like saying it over and I can feel the lion in the strength. And I'm just like, ah, And I finally moved that archway into the spiraling effect that I was going for.
I finally broke through that brick wall, and I moved through the fear. And I realized in that moment, I was like, Oh, [00:29:00] actually, it is this fear that is a conduit for my courage to move through for me to defy it and say, you know what, regardless of what you say, think, or want to do to me, I will move.
You will move with me and we will do this together because you may think you're as strong as me, but I am stronger. I am here to conquer and be victorious and I will do what I am meant to do here regardless of whatever is in the way because really it is just an illusion. It is just an illusion and it's actually in service for me to be here to overcome it and show and be an example for other people to also overcome it too.[00:30:00]
This is my purpose here. And I know, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is your purpose too. And this is, this is why, this is why I'm here sharing this with you now. To show you what's possible to be that example for you.
That if I can do it, you can do it too.
And it may not happen this month. It may not happen next summer. It might not happen in three years from now, but that doesn't matter because it's the very first step of someone even saying, Hey. Take this spoon. Hold on to it. Because one day, you're gonna need [00:31:00] it.
Even if you don't feel like you have enough courage right now to really go for that big, hairy, scary dream of yours, you may not think you have what it takes. And that's okay, because it's not about whether you have the ability to,
It is more about whether you're willing to give what it takes, and even though it may seem like, gosh, that's a whole lot to give, what is that doable step for you? Because it just takes one foot in front of the other bit by bit, day by day, month and year for you to make your way. to being able to expand your capacity and connect with the people and go to the places [00:32:00] where you will be given the opportunity to redirect your future and to co create your reality in whatever way that you wish.
I just feel really called to share right now that I'm really grateful for my fear. For that fear that came up in 2019. That has led me to today. To show me my power. And while that fear felt almost debilitating, on the other side of that same spectrum, it's just the other side of the coin, I have the power.
And so do you. We all have it. It's just whether you are willing to say yes. I am. I am ready [00:33:00] and willing to open myself up to the possibility of embracing, activating, integrating, and embodying that power. Your power. In this moment, I'm just really grateful. I'm really grateful to have trusted myself, allowed myself to be vulnerable, to be open, to be honest, to ask questions. Because also, when I talk to Jenny, Last night with a group of other people, there was somebody else right next to me that was having a very similar experience and she bent her spoon and she thought she did it wrong.
It was more spiraled than mine. And I was just like, wow. Oh, [00:34:00] okay.
There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just learning how to wield my own power. And Jenny said, now what you get to practice is to do it with a little less effort. Yes. Do it in the way that you now know how, but now it's like you get to fine tune it. Can you do it with a little more play?
Can you do it with a little more softness? Yeah and it's really interesting because I really needed to just have that moment of taking my power into my own hands and being able to claim what I know is mine.
So now I get to play with it. And I, I just, I love that.
Okay, Okay, I'm just gonna be straight up. I'm not exactly sure how to wrap this up. I'm just, I'm just gonna say it. Okay. [00:35:00] I'm just like, wow. I know I needed to share this story and the message and just the frequency of this. And honestly, I'm not sure how to just like bring it full circle and to wrap it up but all I know is we're on lunch break and it's gonna be over and I need to go get some food before we start to wrap up the last half of this day and all of BBD Live for 2024 and wow, wow.
And by the way, I am an affiliate for BBD and if you're interested in having your next business breakthrough and really a breakthrough of a lifetime And not just one, but for as long as you continue to walk this entrepreneurial path, which really is a journey of reclaiming your power and being able to be of service in the highest, most sacred way [00:36:00] possible that you are called to do and be surrounded by a community of people that will probably be many answers to your prayers, then get in touch with me.
I'd love to talk with you more about it. I've got a referral link and of course I have some more goodies that I want to give as a thank you for signing up through my referral link. And I'm just so excited to talk more about that. So anyway yeah, I'm going to get going and I would love to hear your takeaways, your ahas, any just insight or something that just dawned on you.
Please DM me on Instagram. I would love to hear about it. And if you want to share this with a friend of yours or somebody that just, you know, would get something out of this, please send the, the episode their way. [00:37:00] And I would be super grateful for that. And if you feel so called, if you've gotten anything out of this podcast, then please leave a review and yeah, that's going to help just continue to get this podcast and this message and this broadcasting out to those of us that are meant to hear this. And.
Spiral up into a better world! Alright, I send my love! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Mwah! Ciao!
